Muckracker: Imagine ruling without an excuse for failure

We can assure you, Dokota Nguwaya, that the whole project still stinks to high heaven — as does fake doctorates.

The nation had a near heart attack this week after it was reported, at least for a few minutes, that America had removed its sanctions on the country. The octogenarian ruling America wrote a statement saying he was removing sanctions on a country ruled by a fellow octogenarian, Zimbabwe. This elicited shocking celebrations.

“Well, this is massive. A great vindication of President Mnangagwa’s foreign policy,” Nick Mangwana posted, his excitement palpable.

However, as usual, Nick had spoken too fast. In no time, two more statements came, saying sanctions were being imposed on our owner and some of his top feeders, including the national mother. This was a relief all across the corridors of Munhumutapa.

It would have been a disaster if sanctions had indeed been removed. Imagine a world in which we would have to take responsibility for the falling Zimbabwe dollar. Can you imagine having to explain the absence of medicines in those dark hovels that we pretend are hospitals? Imagine ruling without an excuse?

Who would want that? Thank you old man, Joe Biden.

Fight over corpse

Elsewhere in this circus we pretend is a real country, rival factions of the alleged opposition fought over the corpse of Moreblessing Ali last weekend. She was killed by one Pius Jamba, who thankfully is tucked away in one of our finest jails.

Of course, her burial was never going to pass without incident. Would we be Zimbabweans if we allowed a funeral to go along nicely without drama? Thugs took time off from mourning to tell the family what to do with the burial of their relative. They exchanged blows and screamed at each other.

They sang songs praising Nelson Chamisa and mocking Job Sikhala. They even borrowed Zanu PF songs, like that “mupanduki chera mwena” tune, which warned “sellouts” to dig themselves into a hole and hide because they were about to be skinned alive by their liberators.

It is safe to say Zanu PF does not have opposition. It has a competitor.

Dokota Nguwaya

Delish Nguwaya, a man who never lets money go to waste, has been responding to idle people who keep saying he should not have accepted a fake doctorate. Why these people would say that is a real mystery. But such is the level of jealousy in this country.

A bored Muckraker was rummaging through Nguwaya’s company website this week, looking for news on progress on the much-vaunted construction of a biogas power plant. Lo and behold, the latest update was on the man’s recent alleged academic achievement.

According to the website, the man said: “I deserve this honour because we worked hard at the Pomona dumpsite transforming it from a hazardous place to what it is today. When Geo-Pomona took over from the City of Harare, we transformed the place into a liveable facility where everyone can come and dine.”

He added a bit more, for the sake of doubters: “There is no longer a stench and flies which was a health hazard to the Pomona residents.”

We can assure you, Dokota Nguwaya, that the whole project still stinks to high heaven — as does fake doctorates.

Fixing good roads

The residents of Harare, the alleged capital which was once known as the Sunshine City before someone stole the sun and sold it to land barons, are in good cheer. The government, in its generosity, has been rebuilding roads across the city.

Then, for some reason, some people who hate the country started complaining. They said the roads are only being fixed to impress visitors who are coming for a Sadc Summit in August. The worst talkers even pointed out that roads that do not need fixing are being stripped. They wondered why contractors are being paid for fixing things that are not broken.

Thank God for Felix Mhona, the minister in charge of the roads, who responded: “Others are saying we are upgrading the roads because of the upcoming Sadc Summit, but this summit will come and go, but we will need good infrastructure when it comes to our roads in cities.”

We can only hope that we host the Sadc Summit every year, in every part of the country. That is the only way we can have nice things. It would also be good for some patriotic pockets.

Magnanimous leader

Once again, the country is having to deal with ingrates who are whining over nothing. Recently, the country’s owner, in his world-famous benevolence, handed out brand new 4X4s to our chiefs.

That the President took time off from his busy schedule of ruining the country — a full time job that takes a lot of effort — was not lost on some of us patriots.

Handing over the cars, the President revealed that chiefs bring development to communities all around the country, just by existing.

Said our most magnanimous leader: “These (development projects) include the construction and maintenance of access roads to the homesteads of chiefs so that our people have access to the various services provided by chiefs.”

And yet you hear people complaining that we are not bringing development to this country.

Whining supporters

One thing that always fascinates Muckraker is Zanu PF supporters who complain about how their party behaves. It is like complaining about being in a beerhall and loudly complaining about beer, or being in a zoo and wondering why there are animals there.

Recently, while navigating the sewage that is our online space, yours truly came across some Zanu PF supporters asking silly questions. They were saying strange things like: “Wouldn’t our President and party look good if we handed out ambulances instead of cars?”

Another even dared to ask whether the reported drought relief budget of ZW$44 billion was enough to feed the 2,7 million people we are told are going hungry.

Thank Heavens that the President’s spokesperson was on hand to tell these Zanu PF people off and put them in their place. One was told, in no uncertain terms, “Don’t be excitable”.

They were told to stop “scaremongering”. Well done, Cde Charamba. What an asset to the President and the nation at large.

Why a bona fide Zanu PF supporter would expect their party to buy food instead of big cars for chefs during a drought year is beyond absurd. Imagine spending money on things like ambulances when our chiefs are having to make-do with old cars from two years ago?

Some of these Zanu PF supporters need to be reminded constantly. Often, they start to think they have a say in our party. They must be reminded that they are only there to cheer and sing while we eat.

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