THE nation this week joined together in gratitude to one Esau Mupfumi, who showed remarkable leadership.
In a WhatsApp group, one errant member of the reeling party dared to tell others that the organisation was losing support.
“People are suffering out there and our structures are empty. People have lost confidence in the party because they feel neglected,” the man said, adding that the country’s previous owner, Robert Mugabe, did a better job of lying to the masses.
An alert Mupfumi immediately had the disrespectful insurrectionist arrested. We thank him for this.
Had the man never been arrested, the world would have gone about thinking that the country’s owner has support. But, because of Mupfumi’s vigilance, the world now knows the facts of what is happening in those much-vaunted Zanu PF cells. May there be more such own goals in the service of the country.
Hurray for Rushwaya! News that one of the country’s national nieces had been cleared of bribery allegations was met with widespread relief across the country.
Henrietta Rushwaya had been accused of trying to bribe airport officials to look the other way and allow the world’s heaviest handbag to pass customs undisturbed. Not surprisingly, the evidence brought by the prosecutors was too flimsy to win a conviction, according to the magistrate.
Of course, Rushwaya herself told the court that all this was part of a plot to oust her from her perch atop the Zimbabwe Miners Federation, the organisation of gold dealers masquerading as miners.
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She really should not have wasted so much time trying to explain herself to the magistrate. She should have just gone straight to the point; what sort of country would we be if we suddenly made bribery a crime? Surely, the nation would grind to a halt.
‘Lambo’ Mayor Speaking of allegations of thievery, one Justice Mayor Wadyajena was arrested this week to face charges of corruption brought by the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission (Zacc).
“Zacc has arrested Gokwe-Nembudziya legislator Justice Mayor Wadyajena, Cottco officials Pius Manamike, Maxmore Njanji and Fortunate Molai, and Pierpont Moncroix director Chiedza Danha on fraud and money laundering charges involving US$$5 million,” Zacc said.
Apparently, large stockpiles of cotton inputs were found at Wadyajena’s warehouse in Gokwe. Obviously, as a humble and committed servant of the masses, the man had just taken them in for safekeeping on behalf of the people. After all, Wadyajena chairs parliament’s portfolio committee on agriculture, which means he is an expert on such things.
We cannot accuse the man of thievery before it is proven in court. However, we know that servicing a Lamborghini can be really costly. An oil change alone costs US$1 000. One needs constant streams of income to maintain the Lambo lifestyle.
The good friend Like many patriots, Muckraker was glued to the television set this week to watch Africa’s best TV station, ZBC, and came across an interesting documentary.
It was called ED and the Fourth Estate, and showed what a good friend our country’s owner has been to journalists. The programme gathered around journalists who have at one time or the other interacted with him — including those who were close enough to lick his boots — over the years.
One journalist, the veteran Tapfuma Machakaire, was a bit too honest, telling the tale of the time the man arrived late at a meeting with chiefs, during a drought. Sensing that they were angry because of this lateness, he cheered them up by telling them; he had been delayed while talking to whites from South Africa who were coming to drill boreholes for everyone.
It was all a lie, Machakaire said, but it was a lie that cheered up the crowd.
And people doubt that the man has been ready for leadership for years.
Lying Nick If people were still in doubt as to why Muckraker thinks Nick Mangwana is the most hardworking spokesperson in Africa, the man delivered another gem this week.
After reports that our shiny new passport office system, the one we bought without going to tender, had packed up, Mangwana came out to assure all and sundry the truth. This was all a lie, spun by our detractors, who are angry that we no longer have queues at Makombe Building.
“We would like to categorically state that the new e-passport is being processed,” Mangwana said.
A few hours later, the department in charge of passports came out to say: “The Civil Registry Department wishes to inform its valued clients and stakeholders that the department is currently experiencing challenges in the issuance of vital civil registration and travel documents due to a technical fault.”
Having the ability to lie unprovoked, even on small things, is just the sort of qualification one needs for this sort of job.
Smelly scent The global cosmetics market got a boost of a few more billion dollars after a new line of cologne was released in Zimbabwe this week.
The “Victory Scent”, featuring a fist waving Mnangagwa, has been unleashed onto the market in 100ml bottles.
We have sent in our perfume experts to do a thorough review of this revolutionary product. We asked them to tell us what it smells like. Sources who have seen their preliminary report tell us that the experts found that the product smells of corruption. It even has the scent of the Harare CBD back alley on a hot afternoon.
It is apparent that Zimbabwe would never be a cologne again.
Kenyan lesson Zimbabweans were this week divided over elections being held over 2 500km away in East Africa.
Because Zimbabweans disagree on everything, including the colour of the sky on a cloudless afternoon, they quarreled over which candidate in the Kenya election should win. There was also debate on what lessons our parties can learn.
Well, the biggest lesson was disclosed by Kenya’s Interior minister Fred Matiang’i explaining why elections had caused cash shortages.
“You have a shortage of 200-shilling notes in the banks and 100-shilling notes in your banks because politicians are bribing villagers,” he said.
Now that is the biggest lesson our parties must learn. We will not vote for anyone that comes to the people empty-handed.
