THE entire nation is in a celebratory mood after the country’s election, the most credible ever held in Africa, was again praised this week.
At a special Sadc summit this week, the Angolan President and Sadc chairperson, João Lourenço, described the recent alleged elections in Zimbabwe and Eswatini as “exemplary” and “a major victory for democracy”.
Of course, these elections were very exemplary. The Angolan leader knows exemplary elections and democracy when he sees it. Last year, he won elections in which nobody saw the results. Not long before the poll, his police killed seven young boys because they were walking around after curfew. Then, when some no-good loafers went on the streets to protest about useless things like the price of food, police shot and killed dozens of them.
According to Amnesty International: “While the exact numbers of those killed and injured remain unknown, dumped bodies were found in the nearby Cuango River”.
We are sure that our owner will laugh when his people back home think he is the worst member of the Sadc gang. He is just the one surrounded by the loudest people.
What a conference
The people of Gweru are still breathing out after hosting the country’s liberators for a few days last week. The ruining party was in town holding its annual feeding festival, the Zanu PF Conference.
At the conference, the party’s chairperson, Oppah Muchinguri-Kashiri shocked delegates when told them they must stop breaking the law.
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“There are those of you who arrive at tollgates and say we are Zanu PF members so we should be exempted from paying,” she said.
Predictably, all across the room, Zanu PF delegates stared at each other, shocked to hear that they were supposed to follow the law.
Since when, they asked each other? But Oppah had more shocking news.
“Such indiscipline embarrasses the President,” she said. Once again, there was shock all around. Since when, they asked, is the President embarrassed by indiscipline? In fact, since when is the President embarrassed by anything at all?
Constitution interpretation
Still at the party’s annual party, some people were surprised when the head of the country’s military was announced as a member of the Zanu PF politburo. The politburo, for those not in the know, is a special core of the party, where you are selected as a member based on how much you hate the country.
Immediately, some wise people started pretending to be lawyers, quoting Section 208 of the Constitution as if it were the Bible or something important. They reminded us that the Constitution makes it illegal for anyone in the army to hold office in a political party.
One small insignificant party, calling itself Zapu, came out shouting: “He is now part of the cult, and history will judge him harshly!” said Zapu on X (formerly Twitter) where it was responding to followers.
According to Zapu, the new appointee should quit if his still has a conscience. These are the sort of jokes that should get people arrested. Surely, these Zapu clowns should know by now that having a conscience would disqualify anyone from holding office in this country.
Zacc on right path
Like many unemployed people in the country, Muckraker likes to while up time reading useless things. One of the most useless is the annual ritual, the release of the Auditor-General (AG) report. It is a comical read that nobody in government takes seriously.
In one entry, we are told that there are some missing invoices at the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission, the body tasked with the job of pretending to fight corruption.
It is said that between 2019 and 2020, Zacc did not issue invoices to back up expenditure of some useless amount of Zimdollars, which translates to over US$20 000 in imperialist money. There were also dodgy fuel allocations, and dodgy deals in which cars were bought and never delivered. The AG wondered why nobody asked questions.
Well, who would be silly enough to ask questions when they already knew the answer?
In any case? Why should these auditors raise such a fuss over a few missing dollars? How are Zacc supposed to fight corruption if they are unfamiliar with it? Surely, they need to practice a bit of it so that they know what they are dealing with. Whoever said “send a thief to catch a thief” was giving specific instructions.
Man of Gold
Talking about thievery and so forth, in Chitungwiza, there is a pointless discussion after a well-known Man of Gold put in an application to build some structures in that dustbowl of a town.
According to reports, Billion Group, owned by Uebert Angel, wrote to Chitungwiza Municipality seeking land and disused properties to convert them into a hotel, conference centre, shopping mall, service station and construction of a medical centre.
Some jealous residents are already kicking up dust for no reason. The Chitungwiza and Manyame Residents Association director Marvelous Khumalo was quoted as warning the council “not to pursue self-serving deals”.
Surely, this Khumalo guy must be investigated. Why does he want to stand in the way of investors? Where does he think some of us should be investing the millions we get from deals? Does he want us to be unpatriotic and invest our loot outside the country?
Congratulations!
The nation congratulates our First Lady Dr Amai, the nation’s finest cook and protector of the poor extraordinaire.
It was reported this week in The Herald, the world’s best newspaper, that Dr Amai The Second had formed a brand new charity.
Said Herald: “First lady Dr Auxillia Mnangagwa yesterday launched a first-of-its-kind Widows Association in Mhangura, Doma, which hit the ground running by unveiling an array of life-transforming short courses and projects to empower widows countrywide”.
The Herald Dr Amai Special Correspondent was not done. We were told: “As the patron of the Association, Amai Mnangagwa’s aim is to ensure that through the First Lady’s Widows Association, widows earn income to sustain themselves and their children in a dignified manner”.
There will be the usual haters, who will come out whining about the National Mother forming an association of widows. Such people lack foresight. It is only fair for her to form this organisation to take care of widows, seeing as her party has created many of them over the years.
More of Dr Amai
There was more good news on Dr Mother, who never ceases to amaze. When she is not feeding hungry children or supporting widows, she is teaching the whole world how to cook.
On Tuesday, a whole Cabinet found it necessary to make the huge announcement that the country’s best mother had travelled to somewhere in Europe to teach natives there how to cook properly.
“The Nation is being informed that the First Lady, Dr. A. Mnangagwa, led the Zimbabwean delegation to the Gastronomy Tourism: Back to the Roots” forum, according to a Cabinet statement.
There was more: “The nation is informed that…the Zimbabwean stand was popular as people flocked to taste the signature dish termed Gapu RaAmai, which was extracted from Amai’s Cookout Book.”
The whole Cabinet was still not finished. We then were told: “Given that Gastronomy Tourism is providing a new tourism frontier for the country, which is also a promising marketing brand for Zimbabwe, Cabinet has decided to develop a Gastronomy strategy to guide the development of the sector.
“All stakeholders are urged to participate in the actual formulation through the Ministry of Tourism and Hospitality Industry”.
God help any tourism player that decides not to participate in “Gapu raAmai”.
