The people of Bulawayo are still buzzing with excitement after they had a top-level visit from the Man from Oxford last weekend. Mthuli Ncube came down from his ivory tower to visit shops and marvel at the mess that he has created.
The man went about telling shops to stop selling at a profit, ordering them to make losses instead. If they refuse, they will be assisted in shutting down, he told them. After delivering a lecture on economics, he was also on hand to lecture the peasants on the linguistic intricacies of German and English.
Ncube told confused shopkeepers: “Have you heard of the word, schadenfreude? It is a German word that means taking delight from the misery of others. In English, they call it epicaricacy. That is what you’re practicing. It is not good.”
According to the Sunday News: “At a supermarket located on Fort Street, an incensed Prof Ncube took matters into his own hands, tearing down a sign that advertised goods in US dollars only.”
Another thing he needs to tear down? His C.V. It is clearly serving no purpose whatsoever.
What solution?
Mthuli will want to have a word with certain owners of the country, some of whom think he is not doing a good job.
Members of Parliament travelled to a holiday resort in the Eastern Highlands to discuss how bad things are in the country, a natural thing to do for the people’s representatives. There, they took turns moaning about the fact that the so-called Constituency Development Fund (CDF) is not enough.
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For those not in the know, CDF is just money that MPs are allowed to eat every term, under the guise of building blair toilets, painting over cracked school blocks, and so forth.
One Davison Svuure, Zanu PF MP for Zaka Central MP, “said the local currency is no longer sustainable”, according to one report. Another Zanu PF MP, one Percy Muchimwe, also complained that our Zimbabwe dollar was not a strong currency at all.
“It’s true, the Zimdollar is giving us trouble at the moment, we should have a solution,” Muchimwe was quoted as saying.
He should be summoned to headquarters and explain what he means by “solution”. We cannot have our own MPs calling for a change of government in broad daylight like this.
Delusional
Another group of people that need a stern talking-to are the mandarins at Herald House, itself the bastion of (in)credible journalism in all of the Southern Hemisphere.
Muckraker, like all patriots, religiously reads The Herald’s editorial comments, a national task that is necessary to measure the level of self-delusion in the country. It was therefore a shock to read an editorial in the people’s paper calling for an end to economic sabotage. The Herald editorial urged the government to freeze the accounts of “all speculators and cheats.”
Zanu PF chefs must immediately investigate why their own paper would so publicly call for the closure of their accounts like this. If our own newspapers now speak ill of the country’s leadership, what hope is there for the country?
Fake historian
This week, the people’s alleged representatives in Parliament sat to discuss the so-called “Patriotic Bill”, one of the most important pieces of legislation ever to be taken to Parliament.
If you have not been reading the papers, we may soon have laws that make it illegal to mention things like inflation, especially to foreign people. Even being seen with foreign ambassadors, which is a career for some people, may become treasonous.
Muckraker was delighted to listen to the purportedly Honourable Joseph Chinotimba during the debate. He gave a very important history lecture.
“Osama Bin Laden grew up in America and received his military training there and the reason why he was executed by the Americans is because he wanted to go against the ethos and values of the American people. As such, this Bill discourages all those people to say bad things about their country,” said Chinotimba.
This is a fresh revelation that not even American officials were afraid of. Now that he is on his way out as MP, after the people of Buhera decided they wanted someone else to eat on their behalf, surely Cde Chinoz has a long career ahead of him as a fake history lecturer and fiction storyteller.
Imported ethos
Now that the Patriotic Bill is on its way, may we recommend that investigators use it to clear out the sell-outs in the leadership of the Public Service Commission.
It was reported this week that the Commissioners and top managers had “signed integrity pledges as the largest employer of State workers.” We were told that this so-called “integrity pledge” seeks to “promote integrity, honesty, prudence, transparency, accountability, servant leadership, among a host of other values the commission stands for.”
The leader of this treasonous group, one Vincent Hungwe, was quoted as saying: “The rationale behind the need for the signing of pledges is that the Government of Zimbabwe declared zero tolerance to corruption.”
This is all very confusing. Surely, Hungwe and his cohorts know that if we start making foreign values like “integrity, honesty, prudence, transparency, accountability, servant leadership” a prerequisite to occupy the top perches of the civil service, we will end up with no civil service to talk of. Arrest this man and his co-conspirators for trying to sabotage the country.
True value of sanctions
After spending what seems like years camped outside the American embassy protesting sanctions, a group calling itself the Broad Alliance Against Sanctions (BAAS) has gone to court.
What do they want?
They want our courts to tell the US to award us reparations for sanctions.
“We are also filing for reparations for the losses that the country has experienced for the past 23 years that we have been under these illegal sanctions,” Sally Ngoni, BAAS co-founder and spokesperson, told bored journalists after filing the group’s papers before the court.
Ngoni says her group has not made up its mind on just how much it wants from the US, saying: “We haven’t really come up with the amount. We are still waiting for a response from the Ministry of Finance, and once we get it, we are going to annex it to our application.”
Well, she obviously does not read much. Zanu PF’s 2013 election manifesto was clear: It told us that we had lost US$42 billion due to sanctions. We are sure this has now more than doubled by now. We trust that our judges will quickly put on their wigs and award us that money without delay. We can’t wait to share those reparations.
Stern warning
The nation congratulates our government for reading the riot act to whoever is currently in charge of the US embassy.
The embassy has been mischievous for a while, posting incendiary posts just to provoke our people and kill the boredom of working in that ugly, airless monstrosity of an embassy building.
In a statement, the government said it told the US embassy official to stop its “election related-social media posts, bordering on activism and meddling in Zimbabwe’s internal affairs.” Naturally, the US embassy released a statement saying it would continue such posts.
This was hardly surprising. Surely, someone needs to ask our government; if Americans stop “meddling”, would they still be America?
The people of Bulawayo are still buzzing with excitement after they had a top-level visit from the Man from Oxford last weekend. Mthuli Ncube came down from his ivory tower to visit shops and marvel at the mess that he has created.
The man went about telling shops to stop selling at a profit, ordering them to make losses instead. If they refuse, they will be assisted in shutting down, he told them. After delivering a lecture on economics, he was also on hand to lecture the peasants on the linguistic intricacies of German and English.
Ncube told confused shopkeepers: “Have you heard of the word, schadenfreude? It is a German word that means taking delight from the misery of others. In English, they call it epicaricacy. That is what you’re practicing. It is not good.”
According to the Sunday News: “At a supermarket located on Fort Street, an incensed Prof Ncube took matters into his own hands, tearing down a sign that advertised goods in US dollars only.”
Another thing he needs to tear down? His C.V. It is clearly serving no purpose whatsoever.
What solution?
Mthuli will want to have a word with certain owners of the country, some of whom think he is not doing a good job.
Members of Parliament travelled to a holiday resort in the Eastern Highlands to discuss how bad things are in the country, a natural thing to do for the people’s representatives. There, they took turns moaning about the fact that the so-called Constituency Development Fund (CDF) is not enough.
For those not in the know, CDF is just money that MPs are allowed to eat every term, under the guise of building blair toilets, painting over cracked school blocks, and so forth.
One Davison Svuure, Zanu PF MP for Zaka Central MP, “said the local currency is no longer sustainable”, according to one report. Another Zanu PF MP, one Percy Muchimwe, also complained that our Zimbabwe dollar was not a strong currency at all.
“It’s true, the Zimdollar is giving us trouble at the moment, we should have a solution,” Muchimwe was quoted as saying.
He should be summoned to headquarters and explain what he means by “solution”. We cannot have our own MPs calling for a change of government in broad daylight like this.
Delusional
Another group of people that need a stern talking-to are the mandarins at Herald House, itself the bastion of (in)credible journalism in all of the Southern Hemisphere.
Muckraker, like all patriots, religiously reads The Herald’s editorial comments, a national task that is necessary to measure the level of self-delusion in the country. It was therefore a shock to read an editorial in the people’s paper calling for an end to economic sabotage. The Herald editorial urged the government to freeze the accounts of “all speculators and cheats.”
Zanu PF chefs must immediately investigate why their own paper would so publicly call for the closure of their accounts like this. If our own newspapers now speak ill of the country’s leadership, what hope is there for the country?
Fake historian
This week, the people’s alleged representatives in Parliament sat to discuss the so-called “Patriotic Bill”, one of the most important pieces of legislation ever to be taken to Parliament.
If you have not been reading the papers, we may soon have laws that make it illegal to mention things like inflation, especially to foreign people. Even being seen with foreign ambassadors, which is a career for some people, may become treasonous.
Muckraker was delighted to listen to the purportedly Honourable Joseph Chinotimba during the debate. He gave a very important history lecture.
“Osama Bin Laden grew up in America and received his military training there and the reason why he was executed by the Americans is because he wanted to go against the ethos and values of the American people. As such, this Bill discourages all those people to say bad things about their country,” said Chinotimba.
This is a fresh revelation that not even American officials were afraid of. Now that he is on his way out as MP, after the people of Buhera decided they wanted someone else to eat on their behalf, surely Cde Chinoz has a long career ahead of him as a fake history lecturer and fiction storyteller.
Imported ethos
Now that the Patriotic Bill is on its way, may we recommend that investigators use it to clear out the sell-outs in the leadership of the Public Service Commission.
It was reported this week that the Commissioners and top managers had “signed integrity pledges as the largest employer of State workers.” We were told that this so-called “integrity pledge” seeks to “promote integrity, honesty, prudence, transparency, accountability, servant leadership, among a host of other values the commission stands for.”
The leader of this treasonous group, one Vincent Hungwe, was quoted as saying: “The rationale behind the need for the signing of pledges is that the Government of Zimbabwe declared zero tolerance to corruption.”
This is all very confusing. Surely, Hungwe and his cohorts know that if we start making foreign values like “integrity, honesty, prudence, transparency, accountability, servant leadership” a prerequisite to occupy the top perches of the civil service, we will end up with no civil service to talk of. Arrest this man and his co-conspirators for trying to sabotage the country.
True value of sanctions
After spending what seems like years camped outside the American embassy protesting sanctions, a group calling itself the Broad Alliance Against Sanctions (BAAS) has gone to court.
What do they want?
They want our courts to tell the US to award us reparations for sanctions.
“We are also filing for reparations for the losses that the country has experienced for the past 23 years that we have been under these illegal sanctions,” Sally Ngoni, BAAS co-founder and spokesperson, told bored journalists after filing the group’s papers before the court.
Ngoni says her group has not made up its mind on just how much it wants from the US, saying: “We haven’t really come up with the amount. We are still waiting for a response from the Ministry of Finance, and once we get it, we are going to annex it to our application.”
Well, she obviously does not read much. Zanu PF’s 2013 election manifesto was clear: It told us that we had lost US$42 billion due to sanctions. We are sure this has now more than doubled by now. We trust that our judges will quickly put on their wigs and award us that money without delay. We can’t wait to share those reparations.
Stern warning
The nation congratulates our government for reading the riot act to whoever is currently in charge of the US embassy.
The embassy has been mischievous for a while, posting incendiary posts just to provoke our people and kill the boredom of working in that ugly, airless monstrosity of an embassy building.
In a statement, the government said it told the US embassy official to stop its “election related-social media posts, bordering on activism and meddling in Zimbabwe’s internal affairs.” Naturally, the US embassy released a statement saying it would continue such posts.
This was hardly surprising. Surely, someone needs to ask our government; if Americans stop “meddling”, would they still be America?
We should just take their lead and meddle in their own affairs. We could start with pontificating over their shambolic elections, and impose sanctions on them for carrying machine guns to supermarkets and schools.
